I took a deep breath, swirling my coffee around in the cup with a stain around the rim. “How are we not compatible?”
“…well. You’re just…too much of a feminist.”
I stared at him, sitting across from me with his legs crossed, his hands folded over his knees. Like we were discussing the weather, or the news, or what we would like to eat for breakfast.
And as though he had read my thoughts, he spoke again. “Here. Do you want a bagel?”
I ignored him, finally able to counter his proclamation. “Feminist? Me? I’m too much of a feminist?” If he had accused me of being too much of a mathematician I couldn’t have been more floored.
Too busy, I would understand.
You’re moving, I would understand.
But too feminist?
At that moment, feminism meant nothing more to me than abortion supporters and bra-burners. I frequently
decried feminism as the single source of every societal woe. “I’m not one of those feminazis,” I’d sneer, daintily crossing a stocking-clad leg while running a red manicured hand through my long, curly hair. I was on a mission to singlehandedly return femininity to the unwashed, unkempt feminist masses that were overtaking my generation.
“Well…yes. You are. I want someone who is 100% willing to support my dream.”
I’m nothing but willing, I thought. “I’m absolutely willing to support your dream. I just want you to be 100% willing to support my dream, as well. I didn’t realize that was feminism.”
It was his turn to fall silent.
I rolled my eyes to hold back the tears, and began slathering ungodly amounts of cream cheese on the stale bagel he had placed in front of me. A carbohydrate-laden peace offering. Since we were clearly breaking up, it didn’t matter if I couldn’t squeeze into one of my retro little black dress numbers that weekend.
He poured himself a cup of tea, and uncrossed his legs, leaning forward across the table. “I want someone who’s willing to sacrifice everything for my dream. We can’t both do that. We’re both big dreamers. I need someone with a smaller dream.”
I looked at him, then at the butter knife in my hand, and released my grip. “What are you saying right now?”
“And I didn’t realize how much you disagreed with patriarchy,” he continued.
Disagree with patriarchy? I had recently read Quiverfull: Inside The Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce. The book had radically changed my opinion on fundamentalist patriarchy from “To each their own,” to “This is poisonous vitriol against women”. But I still counted myself as a traditionalist. Just, a traditionalist who respected women.
He hadn’t stopped speaking, but I was poring through every exchange we had had over the last few months, searching for the sign that signaled my entrance into the land of Womyns Studies.
There was the time I refused to participate in a Suit and Lingerie party because I found it degrading. I may have used the word sexist.
And then my insistence that fertility awareness was about more than family planning within the confines of Catholic sexuality, but had value in and of itself by teaching women to take ownership of their own body. Regardless of creed or orientation. Could I have said…empowering?
I had disagreed with his belief that marriage is like partnering in social dance, where the follower totally surrenders their will to the leader for the benefit of the movement. As a classically trained ballet dancer, my experience with partnering is that each member of the dance is equally responsible for the other partner. There is a constant give and take, with a clear, choreographed goal in mind. Each dancer is responsible for making that goal happen.
The more scenarios that marched through my mind like suffragettes on the steps of a courthouse, the more uncomfortable I became. Could there be truth in what he was saying?
I was jolted back to reality, and tuned back into his words when he ended his speech with the following: “You just can’t be everything that I need.”
I stood up, gathered my purse, my coat, and the remainder of my pride, and walked out the door.
Maybe there was something to this feminism thing, after all.
Wow Kassie…that guy was a jerk! This episode could be on TV…we both dream too big??? Come on!
From a male perspective—I kind of interpret his comments as you aren’t as supportive of me as I need you to be. And obviously he wasn’t as supportive of Kassie in the right ways either. I don’t think it’s a blame game thing– just simply not a good fit. Square puzzle piece and the only available space is a circle. I’m not saying he handled this well though. Is there EVER a right way to handle a break up?
There are right ways to handle
breakups. I’ve had plenty of graceful, amicable splits. And while this was a bad fit for a multitude of reasons, there
were other factors in the breakup that I won’t share out of respect for his privacy, and an abundance of charity. This was just the turning point (and a drop in the bucket of everything we BOTH did wrong in the relationship), where I realized my ideologies had changed and shifted as I was growing.
I skimmed too much. Opps! I’m with Tessa–the guy was a jerk
Kassie, what does “being a feminist” mean to you?
Supporting the dignity and equality of all people, male, female, child, adult, and unborn.
Taking a stand against systems that fight against the worth and dignity of women and girls; like gendercide in India and China, certain fundamentalist circles of Christianity that treat women as possessions passed between father and husband, the pretty princess culture, the reduction of women as sex objects in popular media and entertainment, the attitude that women are to be looked at and used, whether for their sexual or childbearing functions, but not treated as individuals with equal say, responsibility, and decision making abilities.
I also support the decision of women who choose to stay at home and raise their children. I support women who choose to have a career. I support life, and stand against philosophies that treat women’s fertility as a disease to be cured versus something that makes us uniquely feminine.
I believe that there are differences between men and women, but that does not mean inequality — and that many of those differences are the result of culture.
I’ll stop the novel there.
Can I seriously get this description stitched on a quilt? Amazing.
Maybe you should femiknit one.
The Femiknits!
Someone start a blog, quick!
Never mind. It’s apparently already been done. More than once.
I second Jess. Simply fabulous. Now I must go pick my jaw up off the floor. =)
I bet I know someone that would get it on a quilt anyway, even if we missed the Femiknits boat…
I don’t interpret that as “feminist” Kassie–just common sense and standing up for what is right and true. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
preach…
This was incredible.
i would, hands down, say you are a feminist. with all the positive connotations and none of the negative.
Exactly what my mom said… Plus a little bit of “you’re f***ing awesome” and “some days I just wanna be you” <3
But then the world wouldn’t have you, and that would be a sad, sad thing. Miss you, married lady!
I like my bras too much to burn them.
Also I love you, can I say that enough?
“I need someone with a smaller dream.” That is seriously one of the saddest things I’ve ever read.
You stole my comment. That is so depressing for him and his future partner.
You are a strong beautiful woman. The world cannot have too many strong beautiful women. Clearly, this sorry excuse for manhood would prefer a doormat. Good on you for not being another doormat. I hope my daughters are like you and my sons are not ever like him.
ok, i really wanna give a more robust, thoughtful comment but i don’t have time at the moment. all i have time for is thus: firstly – excellent post, kassie. love your writing! secondly – you deserve way better than this goofball. hello, sir, welcome to 2013, 1955 would like its one-sided ways back. “i need someone with a smaller dream.” wow. omg to the max!
This was 2011, so maybe he’s caught up with the times by now. One can hope?
Thank you for reading, Tim. I always love hearing what you have to share!
What an excellent post. I am right there with you on definition of feminism, too.
Put me on the list for a “What Being a Feminist Means to Me” quilt. It’s clear you are a positive and generous woman; otherwise we would all be giving him a piece of our minds. You shared enough to tell the story, yet didn’t betray the trust of your relationship by naming him, even after it’s over. Speaks volumes.
I stopped reading at “I want someone who is 100% willing to support my dream.” Wow. Selfish, or what?! And yes, I’m Catholic.
Yup, I’ve dated guys like this, although many are not so cluelessly honest about what they want. They learn to hide it. I did, however, get told by a date once that he preferred to date girls in their very early twenties because “they had less baggage and weren’t as used to making their own decisions.” I was 26.
Glad you escaped! and it’s a pity the bagel was stale.
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this reminds me of a guy i went on a couple of dates with. At the beginning he told me he was sick of dating women with no motivation or drive. After a few dates, he told me that when he wanted someone with drive, he didn’t mean as much as what i had, and perhaps needed someone with goals that weren’t quite as high as mine.
The right guy won’t ever make you feel like your dreams are less worthy than his.
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I am kind of wondering how you managed to restrain yourself from going berserk on him. That kind of statement would have made me so angry.
Just found your blog from A Deeper Story. Your writing style brilliantly cuts to the core, and you’re such a powerful storyteller! I love your refusal to abandon your dreams for someone who wouldn’t respect your goals alongside his own. Also, if what you’ve written in the above comments defines what is classified as “being a feminist,” then count me in.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m still growing in my strength to fight for my dreams, and it’s encouraging to know other people are that.
I kind of just wanted to punch that guy in the face. “I need someone with a smaller dream.” Gawd. What a dick. BTW, love your blog, so glad that Calah linked to it.