The break up referenced in this post was the final straw that pushed me out of the shadows of traditionalist “Biblical patriarchy”. Fertility awareness and natural family planning (NFP) were what helped teach me true self-respect, talked me down from the imminently looming cliff of unhealthy sexual decisions, and empowered me to take back authority over my body from whatever man happened to be in my life at the moment.
I was responsible for my own actions.
I was responsible for my own body.
And I had the ability to say no.
It restored my dignity from two polar opposite cultures, fundamentalist patriarchy and contemporary western society, each of which had taken a turn at stripping personhood from intrinsic value in their own ways. The ideologies couldn’t look more different on their surface, but for women the end result is identical: the worth of a woman is determined by her ability to perform. Whether that performance be spiritual, sexual, physical, or maternal, women are the sum of their parts and their ability to meet male expectations.
In one culture that means perpetual service to men as the stronger sex. In the other, constant sexual availability, professional prowess, and an unwillingness to be entangled with motherhood, responsibility, and religion.
If I left Catholicism in the dust tomorrow, I would still be an ardent advocate of fertility awareness, because I believe it is one of the best ways to show women that their bodies aren’t dirty vehicles for sexual convenience. I can’t talk about how wonderful it is or isn’t for marriages, because I’m not married. But I know how profoundly it has changed me as a single woman.
That’s why, when I see images like this one from 1Flesh.org, I recoil:
I appreciate 1Flesh.org’s mission to bring NFP/Fertility Awareness to twentysomethings and college kids.
I know it isn’t an easy thing to be an ambassador for. You’re painted as either a woman hating chauvinist, or a science hating hippie who dances around in a circle on full mooned-nights drinking blood.
But there are three things very wrong with this picture that kill the message:
1. Cancer isn’t a joke.
He isn’t shown to be concerned for, you know, the life of the woman he loves. Just that she keeps her boobs. Because that’s the greatest tragedy of breast cancer, folks. The loss of boobs. And what’s a man with a boobless wife to do? Breast cancer is a horrifying, tragic disease that inflicts torment on women across the world. Including women who practice Fertility Awareness and NFP.
It isn’t the punchline of a frat-boy meme.
Using it as such demeans the memory of women who have fought harrowing battles with breast cancer and lost.
Using it as such demeans the women who fought the same battle, and had mastectomies. The woman who struggles with constant feelings of self-loathing because she’s inundated with messages of “You must be beautiful or your husband/significant other/partner won’t love you. Breasts are beauty and you can’t have beauty without breasts.”
Using it as such demeans the dignity of men, and treats them as prepubescent boys who don’t have the emotional capacity to sustain true, deep, faithful love. Like ADHD toddlers who can be distracted by something new and shiny.
2. He is shown to be the keeper of the fertility gate.
In patriarchy, the man is the one who determines when sex happens. In its strictest forms, women aren’t allowed to deny their husband under pain of sin. For fundamentalists who believe in NO forms of family planning, this means the man is responsible for how many children the woman bears. For fundamentalists who allow family planning, this means the burden of contraception falls on the wife.
It’s FAMILY planning, people. Not progeny planning.
3. It co-opts the language of chauvinist humor and applies it to women’s fertility.
I’m not a humorless shrew. I was a fan of the someecard-style meme, oh, 5 years ago. (Can we be done with it now, please?) But when you’re trying to make a philosophical argument and win over hordes of people to your point of view, you must maintain intellectual integrity.
You can’t shout about “TRUE feminism! The Pill is anti-woman! Viva la cervical fluid!”
And then say, “Dudes. Don’t allow your women to use birth control. They might get breast cancer and lose their boobs.”
I know this all too well.
Warning:
After I converted to Catholicism, I pressured myself to be all things to all people. I tried to speak Pentecostalese to my ORU friends, so they didn’t think Catholics hated Jesus.
I tried to be worldly and suave around my non-religious friends so they wouldn’t think I was dated and backwards.
I studied more Catholic theology than I ever wish to see again, in a desperate attempt to prove to the cradle Catholics that I was just as worthy of the title as they are
And I lost myself in it all. I was trying so hard to be the perfect Catholic ambassador that the only thing I succeeded in doing was ticking off people who saw through my façade. They knew I didn’t agree with them, and they would have respected me a lot more if I had simply been myself.
If you want to respect the dignity of all people, and liberate society’s oppressed and marginalized, don’t stoop to the tactics that perpetuate oppression and objectification.
If you want to change the culture, then make the first move.
I would rather actively contracept than be forced to read 1Flesh.Org. It sounds like it’s written by a bunch of high schoolers and frat boys. I know Marc Barnes is the wunderkund of the Catholic blogging world but he sounds whiny and immature.
iuseNFP.Com, on the other hand, comes across as even-handed.
I know Marc is trying, but some of the things he writes are cringeworthy. And he’s sloppy with his science.
It bothers me far more that he is the wunderkund of the Catholic world than what he does. Where are the grownups.
And yes, iuseNFP.com is far better. How Marc Barnes got a “Catholic of the Year” mention from OSV and not Katie and Kayla is beyond me.
I know he’s young. I was his age when I started blogging (and I’m only two years older than him, I think). There are definitely things I wrote that make me want to hide under a rock. But people had no problem saying “Dude. You suck. Get your sh!t together” when I needed it, and it helped me grow.
I think 1Flesh has a ton of potential, but they need to tread very, very carefully.
I can understand that. Some of my older writing is embarrassing. Even my above response could be better written.
I am old enough to know better, but that doesn’t mean I do everything right. I am very thankful to a couple of people who called me out on my BS (and accepted my apologies) which helped me grow as a blogger and a person.
I haven’t been called out in a while, and I’m about due. I’ll remember this conversation with regret when I’m suitably chagrined!
Love your thoughts – I saw this meme making its way around and couldn’t quite articulate why it irked me, but you said it wonderfully.
And to Jen’s point – Marc Barnes is really hit and miss. I’m pretty sure he is still in college. He has some great points and then there are times that I want to tell him to grow up or hush up.
is it actually an iuseNFP meme that 1Flesh re-posted?
No, I checked with both I Use NFP and 1Flesh last night.
It’s scary that some people actually think the above e-card is funny and repost it. Great thoughts as always Kassie.
Thanks, Tessa. I was shocked as well. All feministy rants aside, cancer isn’t ever a joke.
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The first problem you pointed out is exactly why I can’t stand all those bracelets and bumper stickers that say things like “Save the ta-tas” and “I <3 boobies." I was a high school teacher, and that just gave stupid, immature boys another excuse to talk about "boobies." Thank you very much for this post.
You’re welcome, Rebecca. Thank you for commenting! I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who had a problem with that.
That is so true!
I’ve rolled my eyes at a number of those card NFP things, but I never realized why. Good job at articulating what many of us feel. I’m a huge believer that we need to treat the whole subject with respect. Human dignity is human dignity all the way around.
Exactly. We can’t speak from both sides of our mouth on the issue. I’m all for tongue-in-cheek humor and acerbic wit. But stay classy, LA.
about Bad Catholic and 1flesh- Is Marc Barnes celibate? is he trying to be chaste as a single man? Maybe he should give some of the sex talk to us old married folks…He doesn’t have to pretend like sex doesn’t exist until he gets married…but sometimes thinking about only sex will get you in trouble (sorry if I sound judgemental- but sometimes maybe singles should stop thinking and play some basketball)
You’re wise as always, PW. (I’ve missed you, by the way!)
I think there is always value in appreciating our sexuality, but far be it from us single people to preach about marriage until we turn blue.
Oh hellz no. Some people on my Facebook feed like 1flesh, but they never shared that, which is good, because I’d hulksmash them.
Also, I’m 23. Does that mean I’m young enough to say imprudently unkind things about the imprudent people running that site? I promise to repent of them when I’m old and wise.
Mum’s the word on that, friend.
New reader here. I’ve never run across that meme before (yeah, some people have all the luck), but it made me gag instantly in a visceral loathing of all malekind – and I enjoyed your ability to articulate WHY. Because, actually, I really LIKE men. Except that kind of man. Which kind of narrows the field, doesn’t it?
I love NFP / FAM. It has made me feel so much more in control of my body as a woman and it has both helped me CONCEIVE as well as NOT CONCEIVE. I just finished a whole year of waiting to have another baby by using NFP/FAM and even though there were some scary moments where I wondered if I was being to risky, by the end of it all I felt so blessed that I was able to control my own body and that my husband and I together were able to be in agreement about our family plan and accomplish it. Great post.
As the female that actually made this image you are missing the bigger picture. Cancer is not a joke, I agree whole heatedly. But when a man asks me to take a pill that increases my risk of cancer I have to wonder why? He is not only asking me to risk my body’s exterior, in this case as you said “the language of chauvinist humor” of the card saying boobs, but also my interior. That is the point of this card: why would a man, or myself as a woman, be willing to destroy my body for the sake of a pill? Most won’t see that, I am aware, but most in my age group won’t look twice at something that says “healthier sex!” That is the sad unfortunate reality. Take it or leave it.
You don’t have to like the card, but consider that there is a bigger picture at work here.
Amy,
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your willingness to engage, truly. I think I do see the big picture here; I’m not sure what age bracket you belong to, but as an early twenties millennial woman cancer and healthy sex are both things that are frequently discussed among my peers. Outside of conservative Christian and Catholic circles, the latter is discussed at great length — for better or for worse, as the case may be.
I absolutely agree with your criticism of the pill. But may I gently suggest that I think perhaps you might have missed the point of this post — you have valuable information and an important message, don’t let it get lost in poorly executed, oppressive humor. Reducing a woman to her physical appearance is using the language of attraction to manipulate her behavior. There are a number of ways to get your message across that don’t involve sexist language.
And if cancer isn’t a joke, please don’t make it one.
I know many feminists who have been interested in fertility awareness who turned away because of things like this. The language we use is so, so important.
Again, thank you for commenting. I think we’re fighting the same battle, here.
-Kassie